Equanimity

It's okay, I didn't know what it meant either. Equanimity. "A state of mental or emotional stability or composure arising from a deep awareness and acceptance of the present moment." Doesn't that just sound so romantic? I thought so. I fell in love with the meaning of this word almost immediately. I suppose perhaps because it rings true to what I desire, of myself, of my character.

I've decided to study "contentment" for the next year, if that's even possible. I know today that true contentment comes from God, from having His character living within us, and accepting that His will is in our lives. There's a peace that comes from knowing that, and that's the feeling I wish to have each and every day.

Today is Sunday, the Lord's Day, and I've just returned home from church this morning. Our church had a guest speaker today, for our 59th anniversary. His message was really special; enough so to bring me to tears today. I often cry in church. It's embarrassing to be honest, scrambling for Kleenex trying not to have your nose drip, all the while pretending you've got it together. I often cry in church because sometimes it just hits home to me, deep within my heart, that Jesus is the only thing I need in my life. Truly, only Him.

Trusting in Jesus to take care of every aspect of your life is the answer, its not always easy, but it is the answer. And I was shown that again this morning. We all go through things in life, struggles, hurts, pains, joys, pleasures, decisions, periods of uncertainty, which leave us emotionally bruised and frightened for it to all happen again. But somehow the name of Jesus can make it all make sense. He is the root of all our foundation. (Revelations 22:16) He is the bright morning star. And all we have to do is seek Him, follow Him, and trust in Him.

There are those people that have been in my life most recently who have carved a special place in my heart. I am certain they know who they are. There will never be a time going forward that the impact they made in my life will go unnoticed. There will never be a time going into the future that I won't pray for their happiness in God, and thank Jesus for placing them in my life. They have been key to my salvation. They have been key to my growth and they will forever be given due thanks for putting up with me. I've not reached a state of emotional stability, not quite yet, and to be honest, these special people in my life never stood a chance with me. They had no defence against my instability, lack of contentment, and crazy emotional upheavels every other day trying to figure out what it is that I wanted. I'm sorry for that.

Life is a funny thing. It keeps going in spite of us trying to peddle backwards. We keep breathing, our thoughts keep changing, and our choices keep confronting us. Our ultimate goal in this life? I believe it to be surrounded by "Love". Nothing more than showcasing, exuberating, living, oozing, and ultimately sharing God's great Love for all of man. Nothing else matters but God's Love and what we do with it. Nothing else matters than having Jesus Christ save our lives. I've often heard this spoken in church, to be "saved", and of our "salvation" in Jesus, but until recently I couldn't really put that into the reality of my own life. Jesus saves me from myself. Jesus saves me from the enemy within. He literally saved my life and continues to need to do so on a daily basis. I will need many more lifesavers thrown my way, and He is the only one that can truly save me from my greatest enemies.

For those special people in my life, I apologize for the hurts and pains I directly caused. I ask for your forgiveness. I ask this through Jesus. To those special people who have taught me so much of God, I will forever be eternally grateful to you. For those with whom my path has crossed, I give you the only thing I have left, and that is God's greatest gift to us, His love in my heart.

I will continue on my journey with great sadness at times, with great hope in times of trouble, with deep love in my heart for many people from my past and those who are to come. I will forever hold a promise made for one part of my heart to remain faithful to one very special person, with whom for reasons unbeknown to us our time together here has ended, but for an eternity where our hearts with be joined...forever. I love thee and will meet you in Heaven one day my love. Until then, I will live my life in anticipation of growth in God, and peace within. Perhaps a state of equanimity might bless my life so the pain of waiting subsides and perhaps the Lord will allow me to share that with you again somehow. I pray you are not in pain, I pray that your heart can receive God's great comfort, and I pray you can move on knowing that you still mean so very much to me, and forever will.

(hugs)