Identity Crisis

Let me open by first saying that I pray to God the words come out right in this entry. I pray that you, the reader, can grasp the intensity that I experienced this morning. It was a morning of identity crisis and conviction, and it went a little something like this.

It started last night to be exact. I won't try and find the right words to describe it, I won't try and find the "artsy fartsy writer type lingo" to wow the audience. “That” is exactly what this entry is about. It's about continually trying to be that "artist" that I have pictured in my mind for as long as I can remember, and never feeling like I’m worthy of it or have reached that status.

I met up with a friend last night; through an opportunity he was gracious enough to give my daughter for a photography gig at his restaurant. She's employed to do the thing she likes to do the most, and she's officially began pursuing her dream at the ripe young age of 15. I am so very happy for her, yet at the same time I am so very jealous and envious of her, and disappointed in myself. 

I have spent the entire 40 some years of my life pursuing dreams of artistic flare in some aspect or another. I‘ve wanted to stand out from the crowd, I’ve wanted to be one of those real artists you see, brave enough to cut your hair weird with wonky colours, and to dress in things that are not of the norm; to be a leader in fashion and inventiveness. I’ve continually strived to be someone who seemed to evade me for so many years. Never seeming to reach that typical artistic image, I continued to do fine arts without ever being fully satisfied with who I was. The saga continues.

Enter Christianity.

Now the Lord’s word tells me to not live in the flesh. To seek Him and He will give me everything and more, ten fold. Yet after four years, and many personal experiences of His blessings, I can still honestly say that I don’t believe Him on this particular topic. I don’t believe that if I let this part of me “die”, that He, the God of all creation, can fulfill my needs as an expressive artist. Nope, this one’s too big, even for Him.

I am filled with fear and anger when convicted, as I was this morning, of living with desires of this world. Those desires are, for those of you like me that need it spelled out, they are the desires of fame and fortune, of play time with no pain, they are of having people look at you and your art form and standing in awe of your great glory and magnificence. Those are the desires of the flesh that drive me. Money. Fame. Success in the eyes of this world. Acceptance by my peers. Making others envious of my talents. These are the things that destroy me the most and bring me to my knees when called out on.

Now let’s discuss defence.

I’ve said on two different occasions in the past two days, that those who defend so strongly are usually in the wrong. Isn’t that the truth. I’ve been called out for living in the flesh, by someone I hold very dear to my heart, and was more than upset at her when she told me the truth. Thank God for true friends. ;)

I have an unhealthy fear of letting go of this last part of “who I was, who I am” to follow the Lord. I just figured that if I shut the doors to the art studio in my heart, that I could keep that within me and not have to give up what makes me happy. She tells me that the spirit cannot fill my whole heart because I’ve got this art studio sectioned off and doors locked up taking space in my heart so the Lord will never own all of my heart as He should. But fear holds the key, and the doors are locked for good, yet I know the answer is to open my whole heart to God and He will give me more than I could ever imagine.

I am afraid to lose who I am. I can honestly say that it is no different than the grieving you feel when losing something, yet it is within your own self, never being able to escape who you truly are. Talk about identity crisis. Can you say Sybil?

My challenge today is to let that of the flesh die, again, and go and serve the Lord. Have “Faith” in the Lord, give my whole heart to Him, and He will give me what my heart desires. He is a great and merciful God, and how can I think that He wouldn’t give me that which my heart yearns for the most. How can I think He would withhold my strongest desires to be creative and expressive?

If only I had faith and would trust in Him.

Signed,

(who knows)