Well, it finally happened. To my surprise, the Lord decided to answer a small wandering thought that had been going through my mind lately. And as we know, it usually doesn't come in the neatly wrapped package of our own imagination and how things "should" go down, but usually in an unsuspecting circumstance.
First some history. I have come to Christ only in the past few years, and more so even as recently as this past summer of 2010. The life I left behind was nothing to be proud of or certainly nothing to glorify. It was filled with profanity, substance abuse, lies, deceit, irresponsibility...shall I go on? I thought not. But it was "fun", it was what I lived, day in and day out. Until circumstances changed in my life, and it is now six years since I walked away from all of it, including every acquaintance and friend, every place connected to that lifestyle and all of the bad habits that went with it.
As the years have gone by, I've often wondered if I had made the right decision and if I was on the right track. You know, that time before you come to know Jesus, is a very confusing and doubtful time. It certainly fills you with fear that lingers for a long time, but thank "Jesus" that He chooses us and never lets us go.
Just last week, I was thinking to myself, wondering what ever happened to my old friends, and one in particular that was a best friend for over 20 years, a very close friend. I left her behind as well, without much explanation either. She knew, as all of my other friends, that it was a choice I was making at the time, and I suppose I explained myself just fine, but perhaps she wasn't listening. I don't know. What I do know is that I do think of her and the others often and wonder why I never bump into them. It's not like we live in a large city. With a population just over 160,000 you are almost guaranteed to bump into someone you know from your past. And this was one of my greatest fears. Let me explain.
Since coming to Christianity, I have rebuilt a life for myself, with new living quarters, new relationships, and even new jobs. I have been able to "hide" in my corner of the world for quite some time, without having to profess my faith and love for Jesus to anyone really, especially the people I used to make fun of church-goers with. Such a shameful existance. And now I worried, "what will I say to them about what I've been doing, what will they think of me, will they think I'm uncool now?". What a disaster. :( It saddens me to know that I have not been able to stand up for Jesus, and say it out loud to those people. And frankly, I've been running and hiding all this time. I am still hiding, but what came to pass tonight will hopefully be a loud word from God to me, in some manner.
Our vehicle was re-ended tonight. Nothing major, just a small tap, but enough that you had to stop and check it out. Well, as the passenger, I stayed in the vehicle, not needing to get out at this point I figured, since it was such a small tap, I didn't think a big investigation was necessary. I knew the driver could and would handle it. Until moments later, when I looked back and saw "her". My heart dropped. I thought, "Oh no, not her of all people!" Then my door swung open and my driver asked if I could come out and take down some information and requested my assistance. He also mentioned that "she was trying to sweet talk him". Oh gosh, you have to know what went through my mind at this point. I'm thinking..."you ain't seen nothin' yet buddy." That was ME back there, and now I needed to go and approach what I knew of only years ago, never to have spoken or "bumped" into each other again.
Well, I was trying not to be seen by her, my best friend for over twenty years, trying desperately to hang my hair over my face, looking at the bumper, trying to stay on the low. Well, that didn't last, since my driver asked once again for my assistance at her window. Well, this was it, I was going to face the demons of a past life. So off I went. Only to have her not recognize me when I got there, or not right away anyway. I thought I was out of the woods, but once she saw it was me, she was all over me, trying to reminisce and make the problem of a dented bumper go away. Forget the fact that she was drinking, which I could smell without a doubt. (remember, I have indepth knowledge of behaviours with this girl, and I was no better back then).
So there I stood, face to face with her while she tried to convince me of not calling this one in, but I had too, for the fact that my better half had a damaged vehicle, and we couldn't just let that go without being fixed. She was disappointed that I didn't play her (our) game any longer. I stood my ground, trying to beat around the bush with copying down insurance information and such. She thought for sure now that she knew it was me her long lost friend, that this was going to be a walk in the park. But what she doesn't know is that I walk with the Lord now. So you know what that means, honesty, integrity, good values and morals, no more lying, cheating and stealing. No more for me.
The sad part is that she is still doing all of those things. Imagine how scared she must have been to know she had been drinking and then hit someone? She was panicking. To the point that she figured some flirtatious moves on her victim might work. And they did work for many years, for many things. But not on this guy, not on this honest man, not on this Christian man.
I left the scene with a bad feeling inside that I wasn't able to shake all night. I feel like contacting her now and explaining to her the way of the Lord, but am so afraid to admit that to "them", the people of my past, for they will judge me, and I feel much too frail to go up against that. I feel sad that I wasn't able to say more, I feel sad that she is still sick, and not knowing the truth, and the joy and happiness that comes from God, not from the next high, or the next party, or the next article of designer clothing.
We are a world apart now, and I never realized until tonight, how so very much I have changed, for the better. Thank God for that. Thank God He chose me. Lucky, blessed, me.
I loved her a great deal back then, and my heart breaks to see her like this now. God help her.
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