White Knuckling It...

Why is it that the "world" is so very strong? Why is so very tempting? Why is it so hard to stay strong? And happy? This is where I'm at today. I'm filled with doubt and fear and everything of this "world" and not of God. I am confused at the angle of the pressures at work, I am confused at why it is so important for me to be in control of my own destiny, I am disheartened and gravely disappointed in myself for where I am today.

But I know why. And that in itself is probably the biggest blessing I can have. I've always been one for having to know how thinks work, how things tick, why certain things happen if one choice is made, and a different chain of events if a different choice was made. It facinates me almost to a point of losing myself in it, to a point of disgrace really, for the quest of needing to know why. So try and get a mind that insists on knowing what's happening, to trust. To trust in anything beyond itself. Welcome to my nightmare.

I believe it's getting worse over time, as I get older. I believe the striving for being perfect, without error, without making mistakes, without learning curves, to know all, to have all the answers, and to have it my way, since I know everything, I believe it has come to a point where it rules over all of me. This is a sad state of affairs indeed.

The urges start coming faster and faster as time goes on, and they get harder and harder to push away. But for the Grace of God eh. Such a cliche-type phrase. What does that mean anyways? Really. Why not say, because God loves me, as pathetic and stubborn as I am, He has so much mercy on me, I am able to, time and time again, come back to Him. I am pathetic. As soon as things don't go my way, I run for the door. Things don't happen fast enough? Yah..I got this one. Not too worry Lord, you must be busy helping someone worthy of your time.

But as a believer, a true believer in faith, I know that isn't true. I know God has time for me. I know He listens to me, He watches me, He loves me no matter what. And for that, I am eternally in debt to Him. How can I doubt Him when things get rough? How can I turn my back and figure I "got this one"? How do I continually disobey and rebel, and still have Him look to me with such love in His heart? Wow. That's all very humbling now isn't it.

When you devote yourself to Him, you should mean it. I continually compare myself  to others and because I am not acting like them, or as happy as them, or even as perfect as them, well that leaves me pretty much hopeless. And its down right depressing.

I am so very grateful for the opportunity to fellowship with Christian women. It is through letting my guard down with them, and telling them how I have been feeling lately, that is when I enjoy my time with them the most, and I find out more about them, only to find out that they aren't perfect either! Yahoo! It's not just me then, the imperfect one! What a ridiculous thought isn't it, but the sad thing is those are my true feelings most times. I am quirky, I am silly sometimes, and I am certainly a sinner in the crowd. I do not deserve the glory of God's Grace to come upon me, not when I doubt Him when things get rough. The funny thing is, things aren't even rough right now. That's the pathetic part.

I pray to you Lord, that you never let me go. Just don't do it. And whenever you feel like its time for me to smarten up with this whole attitude, please make it obvious that it needs to change. Thanks G.